


A Prankster's Year

by Minnow_53



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Fluffy Ending, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:40:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25666840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minnow_53/pseuds/Minnow_53
Summary: A year of Marauder pranks.  Or not.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 32





	A Prankster's Year

**Author's Note:**

> First published on LiveJournal 18/5/06. Thanks to Asterie for the beta.

**January**

January brings the snow, as the old rhyme goes, and it also brings a massive post-Christmas hangover. The sweets are eaten, the Remembralls and Sneakoscopes broken and discarded. One new sock has got lost in the wash, and the other is chewed by the Kneazle moments before the first one reappears miraculously in a drawer... Generally, this is a grim and depressing month.

Which is why, James Potter and Sirius Black agree, it’s the perfect month for a prank. 

They like to use the prevailing seasonal conditions for inspiration: you’ll never find James Potter organising a blizzard in August, for instance. He and Sirius sit up late in the common room, poring over diagrams that only they can understand, complex charms to cause a new Ice Age in the dungeons, for instance.

‘Haven’t you ever heard of cryogenics?’ Remus asks, his brow furrowed as he tries to decipher James’s writing. ‘If you freeze Snivellus, someone will come along and thaw him in a hundred years, and if there’s anything wrong with him they’ll cure it.’

‘I don’t think you can cure him of himself,’ says Sirius, who’s been studying Muggle philosophy. ‘Anyway, Moony, you’re holding it upside down. We’re not going to freeze the Slytherins! We’re just going to ice over the corridor outside their portrait hole and Peter will stand by under the Cloak and take photos.’

‘We can blackmail them!’ Peter squeaks excitedly, sounding more like a mouse than a rat. He’s obviously envisaging Slytherin after Slytherin slipping head over heels, robes torn and tattered.

James cuffs him round the head, kindly but firmly. Peter does need to learn, no doubt, but Remus feels that James should temper his use of physical violence, however mild. If nothing else, the constant blows to Peter’s head can’t be good for his central nervous system.

‘We’re going to post the photos on the school notice board, in the main hall,’ Sirius says, ‘where everyone will see them. If Snivellus falls properly, we may get another glimpse of his underwear.’

‘Shut _up_ , Padfoot,’ the other three say in unison. 

‘Actually, freezing Snivellus might be fun,’ James says, turning his diagram upside down and examining it carefully. ‘Moony, can you be a dear and tell me what made you think of cryogenics here?’

‘I thought _you_ were the deer,’ Remus jokes, and is disappointed to elicit only a faint groan from James and Peter. Sirius, though, laughs so loudly that Lily Evans, Zoe Smith, and that unspeakable Tabitha turn round and glower at him. Tabitha is the girl who told on James and Sirius when they put a Gravity Jinx on the feathers in Charms, just before the Slytherins' OWL practicals. Sirius has never forgiven her.

‘Talking of freezing, those looks would do the trick,’ James mutters.

Remus is touched that Sirius seems so amused by his joke, and delighted too, because he does like an audience for his wit. He’s noticed that recently Sirius seems to find a lot of his puns funny, the sort of puns he used to groan at with the other two. 

In the event, they abandon the ice idea in favour of a cherished plan of Sirius’s, which they implement during the first snowball fight of the season. The Ravenclaws are winning as usual, because they use their superior intelligence to work out trajectory, aim and possibility of knocking down the average Hufflepuff.

At least four of the Gryffindors don’t care, because they’re about to launch a very special attack on their enemies in Slytherin. They also have their sights on the Ravenclaw boy who insulted Remus, the girl who started the rumour that Sirius had false teeth, and Tabitha, because she may be a Gryffindor but her disapproval of the Marauders is palpable. 

The first snowball misses Snivellus completely, but that doesn’t matter, because it explodes on impact with the ground, covering him from head to toe in Erumpent dung. Before Snape can figure out what’s happened, Peter, overexcited, lobs another snowball. Peter isn’t a Ravenclaw, and he’s already lacking some of the grey cells he came to school with. He doesn’t look before he throws, and he doesn’t hear James shouting; but he does manage to hit Professor McGonagall square in the chest. 

Remus squeezes his eyes shut so as not to see Erumpent dung splatter over his Head of House in her immaculate robes, but he’s all too aware of the total silence that follows.

**February**

January may seem bad while you’re actually living it, but nothing beats February for sheer bleakness and depressive value. 

It’s even less fun if you have a week’s detention. Still, the Marauders bear it stoically: they’re used to detention. Remus has heard the ‘Just one more time and you lose your prefect’s badge’ speech so often that he now tunes it out and thinks happy thoughts about tropical islands.

Because it’s a sliver of a month with a long full-moon night, Sirius has decreed that they’ll try one of Remus’s ideas for a prank. ‘Moony comes up with brilliant stuff,’ he says, an exaggeration if Remus ever heard one. The floating plates last term were fun but a bit basic, and he miscast the spell, so they didn’t float anywhere near high enough to wreck the Slytherins’ dinner.

Valentine’s Day is looming, and James vetoes any plans to unsettle it. ‘Evans nearly smiled at me yesterday,’ he confides. ‘I want her to think I’m a man of the world. Kidnapping the Slytherin owls just before the morning delivery isn’t going to help.’ 

Remus, who has racked his brains for several hours and come up with exactly that plan, is disgruntled, and Sirius, who’s developed a sudden knack for sensing his feelings, puts a friendly arm round him. It’s a bit too friendly, perhaps, because Remus finds it rather hard to breathe, but he doesn’t complain. 

‘Ignore him,’ Sirius whispers, directly into Remus’s ear. ‘You do exactly what you want, Moony. I’m right behind you.’

Remus disentangles himself. ‘No. I’d hate to spoil his chances. How about we wait till the 15th and turn all the valentines into Howlers?’

‘Fatal flaw!’ James yells from halfway across the common room. His hearing is extra acute when it comes to pranks. ‘The valentines will already be there, won’t there? Howlers in the dorm aren’t a big deal. Only your mates will hear them. And Snivellus isn’t going to get any valentines.’

‘Fine, I give up then,’ Remus says.

‘If it’s going to be a burden, Moony, we can wait till you have a plan you’re happy with,’ Sirius says. ‘Remember, there’s no pressure.’ He presses Remus’s hand to make his point. 

Valentine’s Day starts without a hitch, apart from James having a nervous breakdown up in the dorm after breakfast. He lies on his bed, almost in tears, being ministered to by Peter.

‘She looked right through him,’ Peter whispers, and James whimpers, still clutching the satin heart charmed to repeat ‘I love you, Lily Evans’, which it does several times, in silky, seductive tones. 

‘Stop that bloody thing _talking_!’ Sirius hisses, and Peter wrests it from James’s hand and throws it in the fire.

Sirius pats James’s leg with a friendly, ‘Never mind, mate. Listen, Moony and I have a great idea.’

He drags Remus down to the common room and says, ‘I know it was meant to be your turn, but we need to avenge Prongs. No girl brings a Marauder down.’

Remus wisely doesn’t mention Sirius’s disastrous string of girlfriends; he always finds some fault with them. ‘Serena’s nose is too long,’ he’ll say, or ‘Jemima keeps scratching her head with her wand’ or ‘Elena can’t even do the simplest Vanishing charm.’ It isn’t that they bring him down, exactly, but they don’t seem to make him very happy. Remus suspects that he actually goes on dates determined to find some flaw he can’t live with in a girl.

It’s not only his own dates, of course. Sirius is always griping about Lily Evans and her friends, but Remus has never seen him quite so angry. ‘She’s not getting away with it this time,’ he fumes, ‘and neither are the other two.’

‘What are you going to do?’ Remus asks, with some trepidation.

Sirius pretends to think. Remus knows he’s only pretending, because he’s drumming his fingers agitatedly on his knee, obviously dying to say it, so obviously that Remus says, ‘Well, spit it out, then.’

‘That’s a disgusting expression, Moony,’ Sirius begins, and then bursts out, ‘Let’s turn their heads into cabbages!’ 

‘But Sirius...’ Remus says automatically, trying to find some major objection: and of course, there is one. ‘You can’t mess about with people’s heads. They’ve got, well, brains and stuff in them. What if they don’t turn back?’

Sirius shrugs. ‘You won’t hear me complaining, mate. Especially that Tabitha. She’s scary. Don’t you think she’d look bettter with a cabbage instead of a face? Or how about a pumpkin?’

‘No, no pumpkins,’ Remus says, disturbed beyond measure at the image.

Sirius gives a big smile and thumps Remus on the back. ‘Don’t worry, Moony. I won’t interfere with anything important. They’ll be sentient cabbages. I’ll just change them on the outside.’

Remus knows when he’s beaten. ‘Not Zoe, though. Zoe’s okay.’

Sirius looks murderous at that and Remus, alarmed, can almost hear him thinking that he’s going to turn Zoe into coleslaw _all over_. ‘Okay, Padfoot, whatever you like,’ he says hastily, hoping to appease Sirius before he does too much harm. ‘But just be sure you have the countercharm ready.’

Sirius ignores him, lifts his wand and aims it directly at Lily Evans. At the last moment, Lily ducks, and the hex hits a Third Year sitting behind her, using a Sewing Charm to darn her robes. Sirius notices just in time to curb the worst of the damage, but all the same, her hair turns green, veined and crispy, and Sirius, it seems, can’t perform a countercharm on an incomplete spell. 

**March**

March is usually a wet, unpleasant month, and this one is no exception.

It doesn’t help that Remus and Sirius have a detention for every day that the Third Year spends in the infirmary while Madam Pomfrey works on a cure. Though Remus is very relieved that Sirius didn’t actually manage to carry out the full jinx, he’s still annoyed that he gets part of the blame. He’s also had to sit through the prefect’s badge speech yet again, but this time Professor McGonagall has actually carried out her threat and taken it away, though only for a month. ‘I would remove it permanently, but goodness knows which of the other Gryffindors could replace you,’ Professor McGonagall says. ‘I really don’t want to relieve Mr Potter of his post as Quidditch Captain.’

With true Marauder honour, Remus doesn’t tell her that it was entirely Sirius’s idea, though he isn’t looking forward to dusting all the suits of armour in the castle by hand, with big, yellow, Muggle dusters from a packet marked _Lambswool, one dozen._ Sirius finds that funny, for some reason, and he doesn’t seem too upset about having to spend his evenings doing menial jobs with Remus. In fact, he’s apparently quite happy about it, and even gets rather annoyed when they’re allowed a day off on Remus’s birthday.

The following night, they’re back on the job and Sirius is all smiles. After they’ve been working steadily for an hour, he suggests, ‘C’mon, Moony, let’s have a break.’ He slides down to sit on the ground and pats the space beside him. ‘We can discuss the next prank.’

Remus obediently sits next to him. ‘I don’t want to get involved in any more. I’ll leave them to you and Prongs.’

‘But it’s still your turn,’ Sirius objects. ‘You didn’t have a proper go last month. There must be _something_ you want to do.’

He’s taken to looking at Remus very intently for the past few weeks, and it makes Remus feel a bit uncomfortable, as if Sirius had wonderful expectations of him that won’t come to fruition. He couldn’t think of the simplest prank now to save his life.

Sirius shifts a bit closer and says, ‘We could do a prank together, if you like. Just you and me.’

‘Like what?’ Remus is beginning to sweat. He can’t take out his wand and mumble a Cooling Charm, because reaching into his pocket would mean touching Sirius, and he’s not quite sure he wants to do that at this moment.

‘Well.’ Sirius is almost leering now. ‘It would be fun to fool Prongs and Wormtail.’

‘Wait, I’ve got a great idea!’ Remus starts to laugh so hard he can barely get the words out. ‘Why don’t you pretend you fancy Tabitha?’

‘Remus!’ Sirius looks genuinely insulted. ‘Frankly, I’d rather pretend I fancy _you_ , mate.’

‘Actually,’ Remus says, wondering why his heart is suddenly pounding so hard, ‘that would be a brilliant trick, wouldn’t it? I can just imagine Prongs’s face!’

‘Me too.’ This time, Sirius laughs with him. ‘We can try it on April Fool’s Day.’

‘Sounds good.’ Remus flicks his yellow duster idly at a passing fly. ‘But Padfoot, we have to work out what we’ll do. How d’you pretend you fancy someone?’

‘Well, I dunno,’ Sirius says. ‘You sometimes sort of touch them a bit. Like this.’ He tickles Remus, who giggles and squirms helplessly, because he’s incredibly ticklish, and Sirius says, ‘See? You might even enjoy it.’

‘Hey, so might you!’ Remus rejoins.

‘Oh, I definitely will,’ Sirius says, and seems to be on the verge of saying something else when there’s a click of heels down the corridor. ‘Merlin, McGonagall’s come to check up on us. Quick, Moony.’

The next minute, they’re on their feet assiduously polishing the armour, which is really very bright and shiny now, Remus notes with approval. Professor McGonagall obviously approves too, because she inspects it carefully, then says, ‘Good boys! I think that’s just about finished now. Tomorrow evening, Mr Lupin, you may catalogue books in the library. Mr Black, the Owlery needs a good clean-out. I’ll see you both at eight-thirty sharp in my office. And you’re dismissed for tonight.’ 

‘Damn,’ Sirius says, and his eyes are suddenly lacking their usual manic gleam. ‘We won’t be able to practise our trick now.’

‘Never mind. We can do it another time, perhaps.’

‘Maybe next year, then. Give us a chance to get it just right,’ Sirius says, looking a lot happier.

**April**

On the last day of March, the Third Year hit by the cabbage hex finally leaves the infirmary, her hair dark and shiny again. On April 1st, the Marauders are therefore in a mood to rejoice.

While they’re dressing, Sirius says, ‘We really ought to mark the occasion. It’s not only April Fool’s Day, it’s the first time for ages that Moony and I haven’t had detention.’

He wanders across to Remus’s bed and whispers, ‘D’you think we should try out our prank after all?’

‘Not yet,’ Remus replies. ‘We haven’t thought it through properly, have we?’ He’s always been a great one for planning ahead, and he hasn’t been alone with Sirius for more than five minutes since McGonagall gave them their separate detentions.

‘We must do something!’ Sirius sounds a bit frantic. 

‘I’m sure Prongs’ll come up with a few ideas,’ Remus says. 

James isn’t quite awake yet. He’s like a zombie in the morning, dressing, washing, brushing his teeth, with jerky, automated gestures, his eyes glazed, his hair sticking up all over the place. Remus sometimes thinks idly that this will frighten Lily Evans half to death if the two of them ever get together. It used to scare _him_ when James lurched toward his bed holding his wand out at a crazy angle, as if he were about to cast an Unforgivable rather than trying to locate his glasses, which always emigrate in the night.

‘I get my prefect’s badge back today,’ Remus remarks, doing up his robes. 

‘April Fool!’ Peter yells triumphantly.

‘No, I really do.’

‘Oh.’

Down in the Great Hall, the mayhem is in full swing. Two Ravenclaw boys have inexplicably sprouted wings, the Slytherins’ green uniforms are Transfigured to a bright, Hufflepuff yellow, and one of the Hufflepuffs has received so many copies of the _Daily Prophet_ that he’s almost buried under them.

The Gryffindor table seems like an oasis of quiet and normality in the midst of the general chaos. Remus notices that Lily and Zoe look nervously at their chairs before sitting down, and the horrible Tabitha is absent altogether.

‘That Tabitha is such a coward,’ Sirius hisses in Remus’s ear. Remus is getting used to Sirius’s hot breath close to him now; in fact, he quite likes it. It certainly livens up breakfast this morning, because the Gryffindor table is awfully dull without the usual April 1st explosions and screaming.

There’s a blinding flash of blue light as a hex aimed at Severus Snape by a Ravenclaw Fifth Year misfires, and the Slytherin table bursts into flame. The fire spreads swiftly along the tapestries on the walls and the dry wooden panelling: the staff are hard-pressed to battle it merely with wands and a row of house-elves passing buckets of water down the line. In the ensuing evacuation of the Great Hall, Sirius takes Remus’s hand and leads him to safety. ‘Next year, I’ll carry you out,’ he says. ‘Give Snivellus an eyeful, eh?’ He ruffles Remus’s hair absent-mindedly. 

**May**

May is especially welcome, as the past month has been devoid of pranks after the April Fool débâcle: even though the Marauders weren’t involved, the teachers have been sterner than usual and on the look out for anything anomalous. Besides, Remus really wants to hold on to his prefect’s badge, even if it’s just by his fingertips.

In Potions, Professor Slughorn has taken to patrolling the classroom, checking each student’s cauldron for any ingredients that might cause harm to others. James and Sirius think that’s unfair. ‘We haven’t done a trick in Potions since Fourth Year!’ James expostulates, after Slughorn has spent a good five minutes raking through his ingredients.

That last prank, the prank to end all pranks, literally did so, because Peter accidentally made Lily Evans, Slughorn’s favourite student, levitate to the ceiling when he added asphodel instead of wormwood to the Itching Potion he was preparing. Lily hovered there for half an hour, probably getting quite panicky, even if she didn’t show it. James did, though, and still bears the marks from where he dug his nails into his palm. Severus, at whom the Itching Potion was originally aimed, got away with a bruised lip.

May doesn’t just mark a new start in pranking. Sirius and Remus are paired together in Care Of Magical Creatures, doing practical work with Puffskeins, which the textbook describes as _‘long-tongued, custard-coloured little furballs that make a calming purring noise’_. Though Puffskeins are omnivorous, Sirius insists that he and Remus feed them on rare mushrooms from the Hogsmeade woods, which are strictly out of bounds. 

‘I like to hear them purr,’ he explains.

Remus remonstrates that Puffskeins will purr at just about anything, even if you take their water dishes away, though that’s sadistic and Remus wouldn’t dream of doing it. But Sirius says, ‘It’s a _special_ purr,’ and drags Remus with him on the quest for the elusive fungi. 

Remus doesn’t care that the mushrooms are just a ruse on Sirius’s part: he’d have suggested something similiar, if Sirius hadn’t been so quick on the uptake. The expeditions are always very pleasant, an opportunity to rehearse the April Fool they haven’t played yet. He and Sirius generally end up lying in the sunshine on a patch of bluebells and discussing various ways to show they fancy each other. Holding hands is one, and when that gets a bit boring they try kissing. 

‘I knew you’d come up with a decent prank in the end,’ Sirius says one day when they haven’t collected any mushrooms for their Puffskeins but have perfected the art of avoiding each other’s noses as they kiss.

‘Hey, it wasn’t _my_ idea!’ Remus protests, pushing Sirius away, but Sirius is a bit stronger and wrestles him to the ground, then lies on top of him, sniggering, though Remus refuses to give in. Later that day the Puffskeins have to make do with some leftovers from lunch. They don’t seem to mind, but purr contentedly, as they always do.

**June**

In June, James calls a meeting in the dorm to discuss the dearth of Marauder activity over the past few months. ‘We haven’t actually played a prank since February,’ he announces.

‘January,’ Remus corrects him.

‘No. I’m including Sirius and that Third Year, though Merlin knows what he was trying to do.’

Remus and Sirius exchange an anxious look. Fortunately James doesn’t ask for more information, but simply continues, ‘So this month we’re going to go all out.’

Remus would really like to remind him that they have exams, and as it’s their first NEWT year they have to do well – no Sixth Years are allowed to keep on any subject in which they get less than an A. He’s especially worried about Care of Magical Creatures, as four of their six Puffskeins escaped when Sirius left the cage open by mistake, because he was busy watching Remus slice up cold sausages for them. Goodness knows where they are now, but he just hopes they haven’t got too domesticated to survive in the wild.

‘Moony, don’t even mention revision,’ Sirius mutters, gently scratching the back of Remus’s neck. 

‘So, any ideas?’ James asks.

‘We could do another pasta straightening charm,’ Peter suggests. He’s always reminiscing about the wonderful evening when the Slytherins couldn’t eat their spaghetti because it wouldn’t twirl round their forks. Because of their breeding, most Slytherins are reluctant, or even congenitally unable, just to cut and eat spaghetti, though Snivellus did. But then, one of Snape’s grievances is that most of the Gryffindor boys are more pure-blooded than he is.

‘We’d have to know what supper is in advance,’ Sirius points out. ‘Don’t you remember, Prongs bribed the house-elves? Anyway, we’ve just had spaghetti, so it probably won’t be till next term. And it’s still Moony’s turn to think of a prank.’

Remus’s heart sinks. ‘I keep telling you, I can’t, Padfoot.’

‘How about we cast an extra-strong Silencing Charm on the dorm every night?’ Sirius asks. James and Peter look blank, and Remus hopes he isn’t going red.

‘What would be the point of that?’ James asks, bewildered, and Sirius says, ‘Well, we could talk after lights-out,’ and James says, ‘We do that anyway,’ and Sirius says, ‘Yes, but there’s always a risk of McGonagall coming to tell us off,’ and James says, ‘She hasn’t yet.’

‘Moving on,’ Remus says, an expression he hates but which he’s picked up from his father, ‘we could, um, paint the Quidditch pitch green.’

Sirius snorts, and says, ‘Moony, that’s brilliant. Let’s go and get started.’

James quells him with a look, and says, slowly and patiently, ‘The Quidditch pitch already _is_ green. They call it grass. What’s wrong with you guys anyway? I’ve never heard such a totally feeble set of ideas. Well, the spaghetti was okay,’ he adds, seeing Peter’s expression, ‘or it would be if we hadn’t already done it.’

‘So _you_ come up with a prank,’ Sirius rejoins. ‘Or you could help Moony and me out of our spot of bother with Care of Magical Creatures. Or,’ he says, his grey eyes shining with excitement, ‘we could combine them.’ 

James and Peter are always happy to come to the aid of a fellow-Marauder in need, and the following evening, the four boys rush into the Great Hall, out of breath and late for dinner, carrying a cardboard box. Professor McGonagall stops them at the door. 

‘What’s in that box, boys?’

They remain silent, and McGonagall opens it. Six Puffskeins tumble out, wild ones from the heart of the woods: the Marauders have just spent several hours tempting them out with cubes of cheese. They purr loudly, and skitter round the Great Hall with evident enjoyment. 

‘Well, go after them!’ McGonagall shouts, exasperated, and helpfully waves her wand to cast a quick Freezing Spell on the little animals.

‘We should have thought of that when our four ran off,’ Remus tells Sirius, as they gather up the rigid creatures.

‘Still, we know to do it if any of the new ones escape,’ Sirius says. 

‘I don’t think we’ll get them back, now McGonagall’s seen them,’ Remus says gloomily, and Sirius replies, ‘We bloody well better! Don’t want you failing Care of Magical Creatures, do we?’

‘Or you.’

‘I don’t matter so much,’ Sirius protests. ‘I don’t need as many NEWTs as you will.’

Professor McGonagall has now taken hold of the box and its retrieved occupants. 

‘Damn!’ Sirius whispers to Remus. ‘You’re right. She _is_ going to confiscate them. And we’ll never manage to trap another batch. ’

‘I assume you were planning a prank with these,’ Professor McGonagall says coldly. ‘I don’t even want to imagine what it could have been. No doubt you were going to put the poor, dumb creatures in the Slytherins’ custard.’

Remus is bursting with indignation at the very idea that he’d ever let a Puffskein near the Slytherins, but Sirius nudges him to keep quiet.

**September**

‘I don’t understand,’ Sirius says for the fourteenth time, ‘why you were still made Head Boy when you got into as much trouble over the Puffskeins as we did. And I don’t – ’ 

The Hogwarts Express gives a long whistle as it starts to chug away from King’s Cross, drowning out the rest of Sirius’s words.

‘Well, it may have had something to do with you two being the ones who managed to lose four of the school’s Puffskeins in the first place,’ James says, with unnecessary scorn, Remus feels. ‘I’m not even going to mention your plan to pretend that two of them had had babies, so you’d end up with more and get extra marks.’

‘It was Sirius’s idea,’ Remus points out, trying to be fair. 

Sirius beams at the memory. ‘It was so nearly a great one! I’d love to have seen Kettleburn’s face.’

‘Which we never will again, or not in lessons,’ Remus says.

Sirius looks desolated. ‘I’m sorry, Moony. I know you’re really upset about having to give up Care of Magical Creatures.’ He puts a friendly arm round Remus, and murmurs, ‘Merlin, I missed you.’ 

‘Prongs only got in trouble because McGonagall thought it was a prank,’ Peter pipes up in a sanctimonious voice. ‘And we never got to do that Heating Charm on the Slytherin dorms.’

‘Difficult to make purebloods sweat,’ Sirius remarks rather inconsequentially, then says quite loudly to Remus, ‘Though _you_ manage to.’

‘Shush!’ Remus says.

Lily Evans pops her head round the compartment door to collect James, and Sirius gives them an ironic wave as they go off together. ‘Shame about Prongs,’ he remarks. ‘Waste of a good man, that. You’ll see, he’ll be on his best behaviour to prove to Evans that he can be a model Head Boy, and we won’t get any pranks done at all. Now you aren’t a prefect, Moony, you have no excuse not to come up with that wonderful idea we’ve been waiting for.’

He hugs Remus tightly and says, in a slightly muffled voice, ‘You wouldn’t believe how dreary summer was without you.’

Peter clears his throat loudly, and Sirius says, ‘Don’t worry, Wormtail. We’ve been practising our prank on Prongs for months. Just ignore us.’

‘What prank?’ Peter asks, predictably.

‘This one.’ Sirius takes Remus’s face in both hands and kisses him deeply. Remus knows by now that it’s useless to attempt to stop any of his wild friends, and submits quite happily. Luckily Peter is gullible, and can be bribed with chocolate not to say anything to James and spoil the surprise.

‘I don’t get it,’ Peter says, bewildered, when they finally pull apart. ‘Why would you play a prank where you kissed each other?’

‘That’s part of the prank.’ Sirius beams. ‘You and Prongs have to guess. Not that Prongs will. He’s going to be completely tied up with Evans.’

**October**

By October, Remus and Sirius are getting used to their new routine. As they’re no longer taking Care of Magical Creatures, they manage to be alone together for at least three periods a week, when they slip into the Hogwarts grounds for an hour or so.

‘Great, we can practise our prank again!’ Sirius says, plonking himself flat on his back on the grass. ‘Come here, Moony.’

‘You don’t still think of it as a prank?’ Remus asks, a bit worried.

‘Don’t be an idiot! Of course not. Well, only when Wormtail’s around.’

‘Good.’

Though everything’s going so well, Sirius is fretting because James isn’t only besotted with the Head Girl, he’s also started talking to her friends.

‘That bloody Tabitha!’ Sirius grumbles. ‘Prongs actually said she was quote, quite nice, unquote. We need to bring him back down to earth, Moony, before he goes completely mental.’

Remus doesn’t actually have anything against Tabitha, though her spiky hair and eyeliner give him a headache if he looks at her for too long, which he obviously tries not to. But he doesn’t want Sirius starting on about cabbages and getting them into trouble again, so he says, ‘Why don’t we pretend to be deaf for a day, and ignore Prongs when he talks to us?’

‘I love it,’ Sirius says, his face bright with pleasure. ‘Just think, Moony, your prank at last! But will Peter join in?’

‘He’ll have to,’ says Remus firmly. It’s funny, he muses, how he feels so much more confident now he has Sirius Black climbing into his bed every night. 

Peter agrees quite happily, when Sirius tells him that it’s for James’s good. ‘We don’t want to lose our friend, do we? Just imagine, Wormtail, he’ll go off with those girls and get completely absorbed. Zoe and Tabitha will be bridesmaids at the wedding and godmothers to their children, and we poor blokes will never, ever have access to Prongs again.’

The following day at break, the other three Marauders pretend not to hear James when he tries to tell them how he and Evans are putting through eight new school rules, including no food in the dormitories. 

‘It’s unhygienic, Lily says.’ James’s hair is even messier than usual, his glasses slightly askew, and he has a fanatical look to him this morning. ‘Attracts Doxys, or worse.’

Remus compresses his lips very tightly, and hopes James won’t notice his reaction.

‘We’re also going to stop anyone singing in the common room,’ James goes on, as his friends try to keep their faces completely blank.

In order to emphasise the deafness aspect of the prank – if prank it can be called – Sirius occasionally cups his hand round his ear and shouts, ‘What?’ at the top of his voice.

After Sirius’s fifth interjection, James breaks off his monologue about how the Gryffindors will have to set a good example. He shrugs and says, ‘You guys are completely nuts, you know that?’ He then goes off to the next lesson with Lily, Zoe and Tabitha, ignoring the others in his turn.

‘Oh, dear, that backfired,’ says Remus, distressed. ‘I’m never going to think of a proper prank.’

‘Let me kiss you better,’ Sirius suggests, and whisks Remus up to the empty dorm, where they snog until Remus remembers they were supposed to be in Defence Against the Dark Arts half an hour ago. 

On the morning of the 31st, Sirius stares fiercely at Tabitha all through breakfast, then says, conversationally, ‘Damn it, Moony, I _am_ going to turn her into a pumpkin. Try and stop me.’ Even an intense session on Remus’s bed after school doesn’t quite get the idea out of his head, and he mutters about pumpkins all through the Halloween feast. He actually charms Tabitha’s hair orange for a brief moment, but Remus is able to remove the spell before anyone else notices, and subsequently takes away Sirius’s wand for the evening.

**November**

November is dreary for the most part: longer nights, shorter days, ominous rumblings about the NEWT mocks in January. Remus is quite happy about the longer nights, though, and he knows Sirius is too.

Of course, there’s always that one night that spoils the rest; still, at least the full moon has its compensations now, even if he can only recall them vaguely the next morning. In the infirmary afterwards Remus tosses and frets. ‘I’m fine,’ he tells Madam Pomfrey, who insists nevertheless on dosing him with strong painkiller. He struggles to keep his eyes open but they close in spite of himself. 

He dreams that Sirius is still waiting for his prank, and then he has the most amazing idea ever. He, Sirius, James and Peter fly over the school on their broomsticks, scattering leaflets to announce a grand sale of flea collars and magical pest control.

He wakes up and realises that the dream was nonsensical, which plunges him into a deep depression. When Sirius bounds in at lunchtime to say hello, he says, ‘Sirius, do you need a flea collar?’

‘Course not,’ Sirius says. ‘Do I look like I have fleas? I’m sure Padfoot doesn’t either.’

James and Peter come in then and plonk themselves down on the bed, insisting on relating every detail of their Quidditch practice. It seems that Snivellus is trying out for the Slytherin team, as Seeker, and James, still wiping tears of laughter off his face, says, ‘Honestly, Moony, he’s beyond dreadful. He can’t even fly. He fell off his broomstick six times.’

There’s a sudden commotion in the infirmary, and Madam Pomfrey leads a Hufflepuff girl to the bed opposite Remus’s, closing the curtains round it with a swish of her wand.

Sirius and James do a double-take, and James asks, ‘Was that a badger on her head?’

Madam Pomfrey bustles over to Remus’s bed and says, ‘Now, Remus, you can go down to lunch in the Great Hall if you like. Come on, boys, I need some space here.’

‘Damn,’ Sirius says. ‘Only the Slytherins would hurt a Hufflepuff. Looks like they’ve managed to pull a prank before us again.’

‘We do need to do something soon,’ James agrees. ‘But we don’t want to be quite as vicious.’

Remus takes his time getting his things together so the four boys can hang round for a bit to hear what’s going on. But then a Healer arrives via the infirmary Floo, and they hurtle out of the Hospital Wing before they get told off again. 

At lunch, the main talk is how Severus Snape got turned down for the Quidditch team and spitefully hexed an innocent Hufflepuff Beater who was waiting for her House practice. The Marauders are able to bring in up-to-the-second information that Madam Pomfrey is taking the badger off right now, trying to save its life as well as the Beater’s, a complex and delicate task. 

‘But she may have to go to St. Mungo’s!’ Peter babbles excitedly. ‘She’ll have to have an operation!’

‘Can’t they just Transfigure it into a teacup or something?’ Lily Evans asks. ‘I mean, we’re always doing that with tortoises.’

‘But it would still be on her head,’ James points out. ‘And if it was a teacup, it could break, and get fragments of china into her skull.’

Lily looks impressed at his acumen, and Sirius glances at Remus and makes a throat-cutting motion. ‘Bet Snivellus will be expelled,’ he says, squeezing Remus’s hand under the table.

‘Bet he won’t,’ Remus says, squeezing back and trying not to smile.

‘A Galleon?’ Sirius suggests.

‘Done.’

‘Aren’t you going to shake on it?’ Peter asks, then notices their entwined hands and goes scarlet. ‘Oh.’

‘Part of the Great Prank,’ Sirius hisses at him, and Peter relaxes.

**December**

Now December’s here, the school is festooned with fairy-lights, sparkly tinsel and glass balls, and the air is thick with anticipation of the festivities to come. 

Everyone’s infected with the Christmas spirit, except possibly Severus Snape. This month, _he’s_ the one serving lots of detentions, which is really annoying, because Remus and Sirius keep running into him wherever they go. 

‘So much for privacy,’ Sirius grumbles when Snivellus, armed with a packet of a dozen yellow lambswool dusters and a huge scowl, pushes past him and Remus when they’re just settling down for a quick snog in one of the usually deserted corridors. ‘If only we had the Map,’ Sirius mourns. ‘Why the hell is he polishing the armour? _We_ polished the armour.’

James has commandeered the Map in order to keep track of Lily Evans during the few hours a day he isn’t with her. Remus agrees with Sirius that he’s bordering on the obsessive. He’d never want to observe Sirius incessantly, though he does find himself admiring his profile in Charms, and sometimes his hand reaches out of its own accord to adjust Sirius’s robes or tuck a stray strand of hair behind his ear. 

Now, when Sirius mentions the word ‘prank’ anywhere within James’s hearing, he looks blank and mumbles, ‘Oh, no, Lily wouldn’t like it, especially not in lessons. And she says we must be kind to the Slytherins, then they’ll respect and obey us.’

‘You know, mate, Remus never went all pious when he was a prefect,’ Sirius says. ‘Did you, Moony? In fact, he thought up some of our best pranks this year.’

‘What pranks?’ Peter asks, winking ostentatiously at Remus and Sirius.

‘Yeah, what pranks?’ Remus echoes. ‘And I lost my prefect’s badge anyway.’ 

Sirius jumps on to Remus’s bed and gives him a big hug. ‘Painting the Quidditch pitch green, for a start. Oh, I know we didn’t actually _do_ it, because some people totally lack imagination, but it was a wonderful idea.’ He gives James what could only be termed a filthy look

Remus can’t help hugging Sirius back, even though he knows in his heart that his friend is just being kind. ‘Thank you, Padfoot.’

‘You’re welcome, Moony. Listen, if Prongs is going to go all Head Boy-ish on us, we’ll think up something by ourselves, right, Wormtail?’

Peter hesitates and gives James a look of deep yearning, then says, ‘Okay.’

The trees in the Great Hall stand so high that they dwarf even Hagrid, and the sturdy branches are heaped with presents for the students of Hogwarts, a wonderful gift for each and every one, from the lowliest First Year to the Head Boy and Girl themselves. 

In accordance with Hogwarts tradition, the gifts are given out on the last evening of term. Remus, Sirius and Peter have their wands at the ready, and as each Seventh Year member of Slytherin goes up to collect a present, they swish and flick. When he thinks Remus and Peter aren’t looking, Sirius aims his wand surreptitiously at Tabitha’s parcel as well. Fortunately, Remus can’t keep his eyes off Sirius for more than a nanosecond, so he catches the tail end of the spell and grips Sirius’s arm tightly before he can hex Lily or Zoe’s gifts.

Remus gets a pair of fur-lined gloves, and Sirius jokes, ‘I hope it's not Puffskein fur, Moony!’ Sirius gets a book about Wizarding Heraldry, a subject that has always, inexplicably, fascinated him. James has a bottle of Artemis’s Aphrodisiac Aftershave, and Peter seems happy with his huge box of extra-chewy toffees – ‘guaranteed to exercise the most sluggish jaw, or your gold back.’

Sirius nudges Remus, and they look over at the Slytherin table, where Severus Snape is examining his turnip with a puzzled look on his face, while Malfoy and the youngest Rosier seem disappointed to have received, respectively, a parsnip and a very misshapen potato.

As for Tabitha, she’s actually crying as she unwraps a large and smelly onion.

‘I think that went well,’ Sirius mutters to Remus, with a satisfied expression on his face. Remus is happy to see Sirius finally at peace with himself.

However, he’s reckoned without Professor Dumbledore, who has somehow understood what’s going on and, with a wave of his wand, changes the raw vegetables into rare and wonderful jewels. While Tabitha sits there in shock, gaping at the enormous ruby in her hand, Sirius groans audibly, and suddenly Professor McGonagall is behind his chair, asking grimly to have a word with him. Remus gives a resigned sigh and gets up too, though Peter looks away and refuses to own up to his part in the prank.

Later, in the dorm, James is actually quite sympathetic. ‘Sorry you got caught, guys. But really, you shouldn’t try to play pranks without me. They always go wrong.’

Sirius is once again sprawled on Remus’s bed, with his head on Remus’s lap. ‘Not always, they don’t,’ he says, which gives Remus an inexplicably warm and fuzzy feeling in the region of his stomach. ‘Wait’ll you see what we’re planning for next year.’

‘We’ve still got our January detentions to do,’ Remus says.

‘We’re cleaning portraits together!’ Sirius says gleefully. ‘It’ll be great, won’t it, Moony?’

‘Crazy,’ James says, shaking his head. ‘Thank goodness I’ve given up all that childish stuff now. In fact, Lily and I were discussing a rule – ’

The pillow hits him square on the nose, knocking his glasses off, and the new rules are completely forgotten as he picks up his own pillow and thumps Sirius a few times. Soon, all four boys have joined the fight and are whacking the hell out of each other.

It feels, to Remus, like a fitting end to the year.

**End**


End file.
